Don’t take this the wrong way, but humans gross me the fuck out. Sex at Dawn pretty much confirmed this. Hey, I’ve read Fifty Shades, so I’m not opposed to whatever you humans do with whips and vibrating eggs, but once I started reading about the science behind it, I got a serious case of the icks. Monogamy? Are you shitting me? The book glorifies primates as sophisticated sexual beings. They have open sexual relationships which eases tension and strengthens community bonds, and apparently, they now shop at IKEA.

That’s all lovely but let me give you a primer on the far superior ceremony that is hedgehog kink. I wouldn’t exactly call us a matriarchy, but the women definitely have the upper hand. Several male ‘hogs vie for the attention of one female, and after that, the female charges at the male, quills barred, like an infuriated sumo wrestler. It’s not exactly sexy. And I guess that’s what Sex at Dawn is all about. The dirty deed is essential to life and shouldn’t be hoarded or shamed, and even an avowed spinster like myself can appreciate that. The book explains the history of sex in an easy-to-read way, and at one point, I do believe they use the phrase “penguin poontang.” According to Ryan and Jethá, humans have been suppressing their animal instincts for centuries. That’s one sentiment I can give my personal stamp of approval. Now before you start planning your next orgy, please take some time to get rid of your fucking Skeletoe shoes. You may be a primate, but you don’t have to dress like one.

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