For the modern-day, Cosmo-devouring woman, the perfect Valentine's date requires hours of physical preparation. Luckily, we have deal-of-the-day sites like Groupon and LivingSocial to help us handle our business on a budget. As V-Day approaches and our spam folders get extra crammed, we've put together some of the best romantic(ish) coupons to help you get primped for your big date. Your lighter coin purse (not just the one in your handbag) will thank you.
1. Hypnotherapy
Do you have trouble waking up in the morning? Sounds like you need a little hypnotherapy to put a spring in your step. After an hour or so with Life Coach Olga, you'll be well-rested and emotionally calm. Also, you'll bark like a dog every time you hear the word "turnip."
2. Eyelash Perm
Now that your eyes are open, why not give them an old-fashioned eyelash perm? If eyes are the windows to the soul, then your lashes are the screens that keep out small insects and pollen spores. So make sure they're at their best, with a process that makes Medieval torture look positively quaint.
3. Waxes! Waxes! Waxes!
But not all hair is created equal: hair down there is Pubic Enemy #1. Thankfully, Groupon is a cornucopia of waxing deals. Try reading the subject line "Chocolate Bikini Waxes!" without feeling an uncomfortable squirm down under. As for the pain: just find a bullet or thick leather strap to bite down on. No biggie!
4. Botox
Once you've gotten your choco-wax, having twenty units of neurotoxins manually injected into your face will be a breeze. After all, a candlelit dinner is no place for fine lines or wrinkles. As for the scientific studies that prove Botox is a prime cause for botulism? Pfft. The FDA is a bunch of hacks anyway.
5. Colonic
Is there a more perfect end to a romantic afternoon than injecting laxatives and dietary fiber up one's rectum? We think not. Again, those naysaying scientists claim a colonic "has no known medical value and risks damage to the rectum or bowel," but take that with a grain of salt: those same scientists have yet to cure cancer.
6. Fungus + Lasers = Romance
You're almost ready for your date, but you can't forget foot care. Unless you're Danny DeVito, rocking troll feet is not acceptable. Get rid of that pesky fungus with the magic of lasers. For all you ladies dating foot fetishists, this is a must.
7. Sword Fighting
Before you leave the house, make sure you brush up on your self-defense skills. Pepper spray and whistles are fine on a smaller level, but if you really want to protect yourself, wield a samurai sword. No man will overstep his boundaries once he knows you're capable of slicing him up like a limp piece of sashimi.
And with that, you're ready for the perfect Valentine's Day.
A Black Balloon Publication ©