With the benders, one-night stands, and one-man pity-parties of Valentine's Day just hours away, here's a short and sweet list of some of the worst romantic advice on the Internet, along with some helpful translations. Let these featured magazines and websites — and their wildly generalized takes on men, women, and dating — stir the hopeless romantic in you. Just remember: some advice is better left un-taken.
Translation: Don't expect any 50 Shades of Grey acrobatics if the bedclothes are solid colored. You know what they say — don't judge a book by its 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets.
Translation: A good hate-nap solves everything. You'll wake up with matters unresolved, and in the bright light of day, you'll realize you're still angry and ready for round two.
Translation: If your date shows up on a tandem, you have two options: 1. Gamely strap on a helmet and curse the miniskirt Gods, or 2. Run. Far away.
Translation: It's true: "applyling male logic to female emotion is about as smart as throwing gas on a fire." Men, you might as well carry around some pepper spray at all times to protect yourselves from your menstruating, irrational girlfriend/harpie.
Translation: Who's a better relationship role model than Kobe Bryant? Selecting the "I fucked up" gift is a subtle art. Checking out another woman only requires a trip to the spa, but a big no-no — say, burning her house down — definitely warrants a cruise.
Translation: Nothing is more flattering than being compared to a group of squawking geese. You can always round up your gaggle and form crime-fighting super group. "The Career Booster" and "The Hot Sex Prospect": great secret identities.
Translation: While you're at it, go all out and try to sabotage those suckers. Create a fake profile and lure them into an illegal dog fight. Get your hacker friend to find out their password, then change their profile into a shrine to adult babies. Online dating is a dog-eat-dog-world; you should be in it to win it.
compiled by Alta Swyers
A Black Balloon Publication ©